[4/23] Post-group therapy

[thedreamthief]

It isn't all that late by the time Ronan makes it back to Hywel. The lights are still on, two glowing squares facing the street as Ronan unlocks the door and lets himself in. Hercules is right at the gate into the barn area, croaking happily as Ronan scratches the top of his head and under he ruff of his chin as he steps in to check on the chickens.

He takes his time, sitting with them for awhile as they cluck around his feet, snatching up the tidbits of seeds and corn he scatters for them. Cinnamon blinks and chews at him from her stall and Ronan enjoys the quiet for a moment, the peace of sitting with creatures he hasn't managed to disappoint.

It's quiet. Quiet in a way that doesn't carry the weight of the silence that's been hanging between him and Adam for a week. Still.

He doesn't know how long he stays there. Doesn't check.

But once the hens have returned their coop, he makes his way up the stairs.

It's quiet here too, but instantly more oppressive. Ronan shuts the door behind him with barely a sound and doesn't so much as glance toward the main living areas as he heads for his room. Adam could be there or he could be in his room studying. Either way, Ronan knows better than to call attention to himself.

Closing himself away, he shrugs out of his jacket and begins the tedious process of peeling himself out of his clothes with one working arm.

Comments

[incognoscibilis]

Automatically, instinctively, Adam rubs Copper's ears, assures her that he's okay. She's a smart dog, one who's attuned to Adam especially, but Ronan, Blue, and Noah too. When Adam doesn't move forward to wrap his arms around Ronan, she looks between them, confused.

"How was..." he attempts. "Did you go, then?" Noah had planned to; Adam isn't sure Ronan would have followed through on the request.

[thedreamthief]

"I went," Ronan replies, his gaze lingering on Adam for another moment before dropping to where he's lightly scratching behind Copper's ears. She looks confused, looking between Adam and himself with her chocolate eyes.

Ronan looks back at the floor beneath his feet before leaning over to tug at the laces of his boots.

"They had free whiskey," he adds because he doesn't know what else to say and that, at least, he knows is expected of him.

[incognoscibilis]

"Did it help?" Maybe he means the group. Maybe he means the whiskey. It doesn't much matter. Adam still doesn't quite believe that Ronan would go to a therapy group, no matter how much he needs it. Maybe it's because Adam knows, in Ronan's position, he definitely wouldn't, but there are a lot of reasons that Adam Parrish should probably have gone to therapy that he'll never use.

[thedreamthief]

Ronan doesn't know if Adam means the whiskey or the meeting itself, but he figures the answer is the same either way and gives a one-armed shrug.

"Didn't hurt, I guess," he says, using the toe of his right boot to kick off his left before shedding the left along with it. He wonders if Adam knows that this isn't his first shot at counseling, that he and Declan and Matthew had all gone through a round together following the death of their father. Not for the first time, he wonders how much Adam really knows of him at all, how much he's been willing to show.

Sitting up, he rests one hand on his thigh. "Did you know Noah stayed because of me? They couldn't fucking hold him in there -- he could've left anytime. But he stayed because they said they'd hurt me."

[incognoscibilis]

The question sucks the air out of the room and Adam sags heavily against the doorframe, trying to decide what emotion to feel. Horror at their situation. Gratitude that Noah had done what he could to keep Ronan safe. Pity for Noah and what he'd suffered. None of them feels quite right compared to the enormity and the complexity of it all.

"I wish it wasn't like that," he says and he knows it's not enough. "I didn't know. It..." No. Adam sets his jaw and looks at the floor. He doesn't get to make this about him. What he suffered while Ronan had been missing had been nothing compared to this.

In his head, Robert Parrish sneers at him for being so goddamn self-centered when other people have it worse than he does. Now get up because we're not done talking. I know when you're faking.

The world slants quietly sideways and Adam struggles to right it, all while looking like nothing's happened.

[thedreamthief]

It's only a moment, a very slight delay in Adam's words and the shift of his eyes. But it's enough.

Ronan frowns, hesitating. To say that things are different between them would be a frankly insulting understatement. Nothing has been the same since he found himself dragged from that facility, half-lucid and stumbling. Part of him has wondered more than once if he's still there, in fact, living through a different sort of nightmare. One that bloodies him on the inside instead of manifesting in winged monsters and terrifying masks.

"Where did you go?" he says, nodding vaguely at Adam. "Just now. What did I do?"

[incognoscibilis]

"I didn't..." In the back of his mind, vines unfurl and nudge at Adam, as if Cabeswater is threatening to tattle on him if he conceals the truth. "It's not what you said."

That demon is all his. The ghosts of a life under Robert Parrish can't be exorcised. All Adam wants is to be able to put that part of his life in a box and tape it shut, never touch it again, but it keeps coming out and stealing him away.

"I was being selfish. All this stuff with Kirin...it's not about me. I shouldn't talk like I suffered when I was safe at home."

[thedreamthief]

"What are you talking about? You didn't even fucking say anything," Ronan replies, but there's no bite in his tone, only confusion and worry all woven together. "And cut the bullshit about not suffering. You think it didn't hurt me or Gansey all those times you came to school with bruises? It's not the same as the shit you were going through, but it still fucking sucked."

It's not something they talk about. In fact, it's one of many things the distinctly Don't Talk About, but Ronan's spent the past two hours listening to strangers talk about all their own shit and Ronan doesn't give a fuck about most of them.

There's a different pain in being helpless. Powerless. A different demon altogether. It's one he and Adam both know if in different ways and circumstances. And maybe it's time to fucking talk about it.

[incognoscibilis]

Adam's cheeks flush and he looks up but can't quite really make eye contact with Ronan. Instead, he looks at the spot of wall just past him. What does he say to that? That it's not the same? That he's not the one who was enduring daily torture? Ronan would tear that defense to pieces on principle.

"That group. All of that Kirin stuff. This is about you," Adam insists. And maybe they do need to have a talk, to put into words the fear that he and Blue had lived with but it just feels so unimportant.

But he does admit, "I was afraid I'd never see you again."

[thedreamthief]

"It didn't fucking happen in a vacuum," Ronan says, still frowning though his tone is almost gentle.

He nearly continues, opening his mouth to point out that they're all going through this shit together, not just him and Noah. They're friends, that's what they do. Hell, they're fucking family at this point and no member of a family endures anything alone.

But Adam's last statement stops him short, the pure, open honesty of it making his breath catch in his chest. He'd known, of course, on some level, that Adam cared about him, about whether he lived or died. This feels like more than that, though. A deeper admission he isn't sure Adam feels ready to face.

"Remember back in November?" he asks, knowing full well he does. It hasn't been that long. "It's not the same, but I get it. And I think it's safe to say you found a better way of coping than I did."

[incognoscibilis]

Adam catches that gentleness and it makes his chest hurt. They'd both tacitly agreed to give each other space but now Adam wishes he could fold his arms around Ronan or be folded up in his. It's important that they do this, that Ronan finds a way to cope that doesn't get him so badly hurt.

To his credit, he just nods at the mention of November, even if the thought of it still stings. Things had been different then and they're working toward a new kind of different now.

"I mean it, Ronan. About you going to the group and all. What I dealt with doesn't matter right now."

[thedreamthief]

"Well I mean it, too," Ronan replies, his voice still quiet and heavy with sincerity. "Yeah, so I was the one fucking strapped to a metal bed and drugged for however long, but you're allowed to feel fucked up over it, too. Hell, you and Noah were gone for less than a week and I fucking lost my mind, Parrish."

He's aware his voice is rising and, though it's not in anger, he forces himself to quiet, taking a breath instead.

And then, quiet again, he says, "You matter, okay? You. You matter. To me and to Noah and to Blue. To Copper. Shit, I think even Chainsaw likes you more than she does me sometimes. You don't have to go to a meeting about it if you don't want, but that doesn't mean your shit doesn't matter."

[incognoscibilis]

It feels like a fight even though no one's really shouting, only Adam thinks they might be on the same side. If only they weren't both used to thinking that they didn't have allies. It doesn't help that what Ronan says is more than they've previously ever talked about with regards to what they actually endured.

"You matter too," he says, trying not to sound like he means you matter more. Adam has been uneasy bedfellows with self-denial for so long that he can't convince himself to behave otherwise.

"I'm..." Putting it into words should have been so easy after all they'd done. "I'm worried about you."

[thedreamthief]

It shouldn't be as surprising a notion as it seems, but Ronan finds himself speechless, staring for a long moment from his perch on the edge of his bed. From Adam, it feels like a confession, like he isn't particularly happy with having anyone to worry about other than himself.

But Ronan knows that's bullshit. Adam's been fighting his own battles his entire life, has been fighting for survival, pure and simple. But his fighting does not start and end in a trailer park.

No, Adam's discomfort is much more focused, centered on Ronan in particular, Ronan who is reckless and rash and violent, Ronan who doesn't now how to fucking deal with this shit like a regular human being.

Something like shame crawls under his skin and Ronan feels his jaw clench as he stares down at his lap, at the twist of braids around his wrist, catching on the one Adam had given him only months ago. "I've been through this shit before," he says finally, quiet. He doesn't add the tentatively implied, I'll get through it again, because he honestly isn't sure it's true.

He needs something, but even if he knew what that might be, he wouldn't know how to ask for it.

[incognoscibilis]

The distance feels like too much and Adam crosses the room and sits on the edge of the bed with Ronan to his right. He keeps a foot or so between them but Copper surges forward and crams herself into the space between, giving Ronan's elbow sloppy dog kisses. Trust a dog to get to the heart of the matter.

"We've been through shit before," he agrees. It's a confession, closer than Adam usually gets to admitting that his childhood had been wrong and that he'd been abused. That he'd suffered.

They'd been through shit before and done it alone.

Maybe they needed to figure out how to do it with someone else.

"We're never going to be okay. Not like the world says we have to be."

[thedreamthief]

Ronan sits up a little straighter, surprised when Adam steps further into the room and takes a seat beside him on the bed. There's still at least a foot between them and Adam makes no move to close the space. Neither does Ronan.

Not that he could with the way Copper immediately shoves her way between them, nosing eagerly at Adam's elbow, her tail smacking happily against Ronan's thigh. Reaching over to lightly pet Copper's haunches, he raises an eyebrow at Adam, easily reading what he isn't saying.

"So fuck what the worlds says then," he replies. "Fuck being okay."

It sounds almost petulant though that's not his intention and he lets out a breath, his focus still on Copper. He's jealous of her affection and enthusiasm, jealous of how easy it is for her to both give love and accept it. She has her own story, Ronan knows. It might not even be too dissimilar to Adam's or Ronan's and she still finds a way to not be happy.

Ronan runs a hand over his head, the hair prickling his palm, starting to grow out again. It's hard to shave with one working arm.

He sucks in a breath.

Then, "I'm sorry," he says because he needs to and because it's true. "For scaring you. Worrying you. Maybe I can blame all that shit that happened in that cell, but it feels like a fucking cop-out. I cant-- I mean, I've done counseling before, with Declan and Matthew. It didn't do fuck-all, but I could try again. Here."

[incognoscibilis]

Without thinking, Adam reaches up and braces his hand around Ronan's neck and shoulders. The nape of his neck is prickly with stubble and Adam's struck with a brief, hysterical image of running his fingers over a soft quarter inch of growth, playing with Ronan's hair.

It's not the time for that.

He listens to Ronan and takes in what he's saying and turns it over in his head. Ronan's expressed disinterest in therapy before with methodical and eloquent curses. That he's offering now, Adam knows, is entirely for his sake. Maybe their sake.

"I can't make you go. I won't make you."

Given how Adam probably needs a therapist himself, it feels a little hypocritical.

[thedreamthief]

"No, you can't make me do shit," Ronan agrees, pressing subtly back into the feel of Adam's arm around his shoulder, the comfortable weight. Copper's still between them, but it still feels like an important point of contact, Adam reaching across the divide.

He's quiet for another moment, letting the idea settle before sitting up further, his fingers still buried in Copper's soft fur.

"I want this," he says eventually, stomach tight with the confession and his eyes carefully focused on Adam's right knee. "You and me. I'm tired of fucking it up all the time. And maybe you're right, maybe we'll never be okay. But I'm at least better with you."

The question is: Is Adam better with Ronan? That's one Ronan's afraid to ask.

[incognoscibilis]

Just as subtly, Adam strokes his thumbs along the back of Ronan's neck, tired and soft. Suddenly, he feels as if he's weighted down by a thousand pounds and all he wants to do is lay down next to Ronan and sleep. Maybe wake up with a mountain over them.

"I never believed that anyone in the world would look out for me, not really." Not the way that they have, Ronan and Gansey and Noah and Blue. Quietly, regretfully, he admits, "I don't think anyone loved me before you guys."

And that, Adam thinks–realizes now–is better, absolutely better.

"But I don't know how to put myself back together half of the time, much less someone else."

[thedreamthief]

It's difficult not to focus on the singular point of Adam's thumb at the nape of his neck, a calming, comforting touch. Between them, Copper whines and wags her tail just once before hopping off the bed, nails clicking against the cement floor as she ducks out of Ronan's bedroom.

"I'm not some fucking porcelain doll, Parrish," he says, keeping his head ducked if only so Adam won't feel compelled to let him go. "It's not your job to put me back together."

There's some part of him that wants to say it's Gansey's job, but that doesn't feel true either. Gansey held him together with duct tape and sheer force of will, stitching up the cracks and fissures to keep him from falling to pieces in the first place. But Gansey isn't here and, whether they're in this universe or another, he was going to have to live without Gansey eventually. They all were.

"There's just a fucking hole now," he says, turning his head enough to look at Adam again. "Guess now it's just a matter of learning how to live with it."

[incognoscibilis]

When Copper moves, Adam lets himself close the space so that they're hip to hip, shoulder to shoulder, mirror images of the same two broken boys.

"If you're going to do this, it doesn't matter if I think you should," Adam says. "'Cause you have to go for your sake, not mine." Adam Parrish can barely acknowledge his own problems, much less fix Ronan's. It's something only Ronan can do.

But he wants to help and he wants Ronan to help.

"You're more than that," Adam says, fervent in that belief. Ronan is a dreamer, someone who can look into the void and invent beauty. "You'll...we'll..."

There's no platitude for what Ronan's gone through and who they lost, just a quiet leaning of his head to Ronan's shoulder.

[thedreamthief]

There's probably some truth in Adam's words and Ronan doesn't doubt for a moment that, if nothing else, Adam believes it to be the truth. And he is going to do this, as soon as he figures out exactly how. Some part of it will be for himself, an attempt to learn what came naturally to Gansey and try to figure out how to keep himself together.

And part of it will be for Adam. For him and Adam both. What they have or could have if Ronan could just stop shredding it to pieces.

He lets out a breath when Adam leans against him, a quiet understanding. Carefully, Ronan reaches over to graze his fingers over the denim covering Adam's knee. He turns his head, breathes in the smell of generic shampoo and lingering hint of oil and closes his eyes.

He doesn't press a kiss, but he bumps his nose there lightly, breathes again. Says, "I love you," because Adam already knows and because Ronan wants to say it.

[incognoscibilis]

After days of uncertainty, without touching, Adam sighs out and leans toward Ronan like a plant to the sun. It's so easy just to linger there, a millimeter from kissing but not. "You look tired," he finally says because that's what he feels. They both need sleep. They both need sleep in each other's arms.

Forget the books on the couch, the chapter he'd promised himself he'd read even though he's already ahead. In this moment, all he wants to do is breathe in and out and listen to the sound of Ronan doing the same.

"I know," he says. And then, because it's just a little too Star Wars, he adds, "I'm realizing how much that means."

[thedreamthief]

"Yeah, my heart is a fucking gift," Ronan says with a laugh, his tone dripping with sarcasm even as his lips are curled into a grin. There's a sharpness to it, a prickled barrier born of the fear he'll never truly be what Adam needs, that he's too broken, too fucked up.

He's a dreamer. He can make birds and flowers and magical objects, plants and car parts, and beautiful people. He can create anything, but he can't fix himself.

Gently, he squeezes Adam's thigh and pulls in a breath, sitting up straighter with a roll of his shoulders, grimacing slightly at the pinch of pain in the one hanging in the sling. "You need to study some more?" he asks, meeting Adam's eyes.

He doesn't invite himself into Adam's bed or Adam into his much smaller one. Not with words, at least. It's been days since they've shared a room together, much less a bed. Ronan's willing to wait much, much longer if he needs to.

[incognoscibilis]

It is. Adam doesn't think Ronan truly understands what that means for Adam, what he also fears ruining if he isn't careful. Ronan's trust in him, however far it goes, is as scary as it is precious. Giving trust to Adam Parrish is like asking him not to be a monster, even when he fears it lurks inside him even now.

He lets Ronan sit back, eyes darting between his face and then the arm in its cast. Hopefully, by the time his bones are healed a little bit of Ronan will be too.

"I wanted to finish another chapter before I slept," he admits, still keeping close to Ronan.

[thedreamthief]

Ronan nods. There's some comfort in knowing what to expect, in knowing that despite this place and all the shit they've gone through, what they've lost and gained, he's still the same Adam. And Ronan still knows him.

His lips twitch in a faint smile and if there's a clench of disappointment low in his gut, he doesn't let it show.

Instead, he decides to take a chance and says, "You can finish it in here if you want. I was just gonna lie down, listen to some music." It isn't quite asking him to stay, but it's providing the option. Giving Adam a choice."

[incognoscibilis]

"There's more space in my room," Adam says and they both know he means his bed. One more chapter with Ronan's head in his lap, an arm cast across his legs and the dog a sentinel at their feet as if she's enough to keep the night horrors at bay. They can wake up shoved into a little corner with the hound dog sprawled all over the rest of the bed. It's only a little thing but for tonight, it's a start.

[thedreamthief]

The only thing bigger about Adam's room is his bed. Ronan nods, pushing up to his feet before nodding toward the door with a jerk of his head.

"Yours then," he says and reaches out with his one good arm, palm up.

They're not fixed, he knows. Not individually and not together, and maybe they never will be. But tonight, Ronan wants to stretch out on Adam's bed, feel him breathe while he reads his fucking boring text books, Copper snoring close by. It can be a start.

[incognoscibilis]

Adam takes Ronan's hand and squeezes it tight as he pulls himself up. He stops just short of a kiss, still unsure if this is the time for one. "Go ahead, I need to get my book." He offers Ronan a tiny smile as he walks to the couch to grab his book. "Copper can show you the way if you get lost.

Picking up his book, Adam doubts he'll actually finish reading any of it.

[thedreamthief]

"Hasn't been that long," Ronan remarks with a smirk, watching as Adam crosses the room to grab one of the many books scattered across the couch.

But Copper's already trotted up ahead of him and, when he steps in, he finds she's made a place for herself smack in the middle of Adam's bed. Smirking, her pushes her to one side, just far enough the he can lay down and waits for Adam to join him. She rests her head on his thigh once he's comfortable and Ronan settles his hand on his stomach. Closes his eyes.

He won't sleep. But not sleeping next to Adam is better than not sleeping anywhere else.