[4/23] Post-group therapy

[thedreamthief]

It isn't all that late by the time Ronan makes it back to Hywel. The lights are still on, two glowing squares facing the street as Ronan unlocks the door and lets himself in. Hercules is right at the gate into the barn area, croaking happily as Ronan scratches the top of his head and under he ruff of his chin as he steps in to check on the chickens.

He takes his time, sitting with them for awhile as they cluck around his feet, snatching up the tidbits of seeds and corn he scatters for them. Cinnamon blinks and chews at him from her stall and Ronan enjoys the quiet for a moment, the peace of sitting with creatures he hasn't managed to disappoint.

It's quiet. Quiet in a way that doesn't carry the weight of the silence that's been hanging between him and Adam for a week. Still.

He doesn't know how long he stays there. Doesn't check.

But once the hens have returned their coop, he makes his way up the stairs.

It's quiet here too, but instantly more oppressive. Ronan shuts the door behind him with barely a sound and doesn't so much as glance toward the main living areas as he heads for his room. Adam could be there or he could be in his room studying. Either way, Ronan knows better than to call attention to himself.

Closing himself away, he shrugs out of his jacket and begins the tedious process of peeling himself out of his clothes with one working arm.

Comments

[thedreamthief]

"No, you can't make me do shit," Ronan agrees, pressing subtly back into the feel of Adam's arm around his shoulder, the comfortable weight. Copper's still between them, but it still feels like an important point of contact, Adam reaching across the divide.

He's quiet for another moment, letting the idea settle before sitting up further, his fingers still buried in Copper's soft fur.

"I want this," he says eventually, stomach tight with the confession and his eyes carefully focused on Adam's right knee. "You and me. I'm tired of fucking it up all the time. And maybe you're right, maybe we'll never be okay. But I'm at least better with you."

The question is: Is Adam better with Ronan? That's one Ronan's afraid to ask.

[incognoscibilis]

Just as subtly, Adam strokes his thumbs along the back of Ronan's neck, tired and soft. Suddenly, he feels as if he's weighted down by a thousand pounds and all he wants to do is lay down next to Ronan and sleep. Maybe wake up with a mountain over them.

"I never believed that anyone in the world would look out for me, not really." Not the way that they have, Ronan and Gansey and Noah and Blue. Quietly, regretfully, he admits, "I don't think anyone loved me before you guys."

And that, Adam thinks–realizes now–is better, absolutely better.

"But I don't know how to put myself back together half of the time, much less someone else."

[thedreamthief]

It's difficult not to focus on the singular point of Adam's thumb at the nape of his neck, a calming, comforting touch. Between them, Copper whines and wags her tail just once before hopping off the bed, nails clicking against the cement floor as she ducks out of Ronan's bedroom.

"I'm not some fucking porcelain doll, Parrish," he says, keeping his head ducked if only so Adam won't feel compelled to let him go. "It's not your job to put me back together."

There's some part of him that wants to say it's Gansey's job, but that doesn't feel true either. Gansey held him together with duct tape and sheer force of will, stitching up the cracks and fissures to keep him from falling to pieces in the first place. But Gansey isn't here and, whether they're in this universe or another, he was going to have to live without Gansey eventually. They all were.

"There's just a fucking hole now," he says, turning his head enough to look at Adam again. "Guess now it's just a matter of learning how to live with it."

[incognoscibilis]

When Copper moves, Adam lets himself close the space so that they're hip to hip, shoulder to shoulder, mirror images of the same two broken boys.

"If you're going to do this, it doesn't matter if I think you should," Adam says. "'Cause you have to go for your sake, not mine." Adam Parrish can barely acknowledge his own problems, much less fix Ronan's. It's something only Ronan can do.

But he wants to help and he wants Ronan to help.

"You're more than that," Adam says, fervent in that belief. Ronan is a dreamer, someone who can look into the void and invent beauty. "You'll...we'll..."

There's no platitude for what Ronan's gone through and who they lost, just a quiet leaning of his head to Ronan's shoulder.

[thedreamthief]

There's probably some truth in Adam's words and Ronan doesn't doubt for a moment that, if nothing else, Adam believes it to be the truth. And he is going to do this, as soon as he figures out exactly how. Some part of it will be for himself, an attempt to learn what came naturally to Gansey and try to figure out how to keep himself together.

And part of it will be for Adam. For him and Adam both. What they have or could have if Ronan could just stop shredding it to pieces.

He lets out a breath when Adam leans against him, a quiet understanding. Carefully, Ronan reaches over to graze his fingers over the denim covering Adam's knee. He turns his head, breathes in the smell of generic shampoo and lingering hint of oil and closes his eyes.

He doesn't press a kiss, but he bumps his nose there lightly, breathes again. Says, "I love you," because Adam already knows and because Ronan wants to say it.

[incognoscibilis]

After days of uncertainty, without touching, Adam sighs out and leans toward Ronan like a plant to the sun. It's so easy just to linger there, a millimeter from kissing but not. "You look tired," he finally says because that's what he feels. They both need sleep. They both need sleep in each other's arms.

Forget the books on the couch, the chapter he'd promised himself he'd read even though he's already ahead. In this moment, all he wants to do is breathe in and out and listen to the sound of Ronan doing the same.

"I know," he says. And then, because it's just a little too Star Wars, he adds, "I'm realizing how much that means."

[thedreamthief]

"Yeah, my heart is a fucking gift," Ronan says with a laugh, his tone dripping with sarcasm even as his lips are curled into a grin. There's a sharpness to it, a prickled barrier born of the fear he'll never truly be what Adam needs, that he's too broken, too fucked up.

He's a dreamer. He can make birds and flowers and magical objects, plants and car parts, and beautiful people. He can create anything, but he can't fix himself.

Gently, he squeezes Adam's thigh and pulls in a breath, sitting up straighter with a roll of his shoulders, grimacing slightly at the pinch of pain in the one hanging in the sling. "You need to study some more?" he asks, meeting Adam's eyes.

He doesn't invite himself into Adam's bed or Adam into his much smaller one. Not with words, at least. It's been days since they've shared a room together, much less a bed. Ronan's willing to wait much, much longer if he needs to.

[incognoscibilis]

It is. Adam doesn't think Ronan truly understands what that means for Adam, what he also fears ruining if he isn't careful. Ronan's trust in him, however far it goes, is as scary as it is precious. Giving trust to Adam Parrish is like asking him not to be a monster, even when he fears it lurks inside him even now.

He lets Ronan sit back, eyes darting between his face and then the arm in its cast. Hopefully, by the time his bones are healed a little bit of Ronan will be too.

"I wanted to finish another chapter before I slept," he admits, still keeping close to Ronan.

[thedreamthief]

Ronan nods. There's some comfort in knowing what to expect, in knowing that despite this place and all the shit they've gone through, what they've lost and gained, he's still the same Adam. And Ronan still knows him.

His lips twitch in a faint smile and if there's a clench of disappointment low in his gut, he doesn't let it show.

Instead, he decides to take a chance and says, "You can finish it in here if you want. I was just gonna lie down, listen to some music." It isn't quite asking him to stay, but it's providing the option. Giving Adam a choice."

[incognoscibilis]

"There's more space in my room," Adam says and they both know he means his bed. One more chapter with Ronan's head in his lap, an arm cast across his legs and the dog a sentinel at their feet as if she's enough to keep the night horrors at bay. They can wake up shoved into a little corner with the hound dog sprawled all over the rest of the bed. It's only a little thing but for tonight, it's a start.

[thedreamthief]

The only thing bigger about Adam's room is his bed. Ronan nods, pushing up to his feet before nodding toward the door with a jerk of his head.

"Yours then," he says and reaches out with his one good arm, palm up.

They're not fixed, he knows. Not individually and not together, and maybe they never will be. But tonight, Ronan wants to stretch out on Adam's bed, feel him breathe while he reads his fucking boring text books, Copper snoring close by. It can be a start.

[incognoscibilis]

Adam takes Ronan's hand and squeezes it tight as he pulls himself up. He stops just short of a kiss, still unsure if this is the time for one. "Go ahead, I need to get my book." He offers Ronan a tiny smile as he walks to the couch to grab his book. "Copper can show you the way if you get lost.

Picking up his book, Adam doubts he'll actually finish reading any of it.

[thedreamthief]

"Hasn't been that long," Ronan remarks with a smirk, watching as Adam crosses the room to grab one of the many books scattered across the couch.

But Copper's already trotted up ahead of him and, when he steps in, he finds she's made a place for herself smack in the middle of Adam's bed. Smirking, her pushes her to one side, just far enough the he can lay down and waits for Adam to join him. She rests her head on his thigh once he's comfortable and Ronan settles his hand on his stomach. Closes his eyes.

He won't sleep. But not sleeping next to Adam is better than not sleeping anywhere else.