never knew loving could hurt this good [2/23]

[thedreamthief]

They're in the Barns, in Ronan's room, the bed he's had since he was eight, a dream thing created by his father like so many other things in the house. Ronan can remember every detail, the exact pattern of the quilt, the dents and dings on the wooden bed legs made by errant skateboards and dog teeth and cat claws and carelessly discarded baseball bats. He can remember the dip of the mattress, the scent of his pillows, the strip of warmth from the sun peeking in through the window.

Adam fits as though he's always been here, the width of the bed expanding to hold him, to welcome him, blankets draping over his calves like an embrace.

They're tangled, legs entwined, bare from the waist up, Ronan with one arm under Adam's head and the other wrapped around his middle, fingertips tracing invisible patterns up the center of Adam's back. Noses brushing, Ronan breathes gently into Adam's mouth, still enthralled by the flush of pink across Adam's cheekbones, the line of his nose, the fall of dark eyelashes. Still amazed, even now, that he can have this even beyond his dreams.

In dreams, words aren't necessary. In dreams, Adam already knows what lies beneath Ronan's chest, all he wants and has to offer. In dreams, Ronan can press his lips to Adam's and paint his fingers over soft skin, can leave delicate, beautiful lines with only a touch and not worry that it's too much.

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[thedreamthief]

Even phrased as a hypothetical, Ronan's breath catches, heat rolling swiftly down his spine. They're still pressed together from thigh to chest. Ronan can feel every breath Adam takes, can feel the skip of his heartbeat.

But it's not from fear.

"Do you want me to?" he asks, turning the question factual. Real. He shifts a little, brushes his thumb across Adam's temple.

[incognoscibilis]

He's nodding, even as his mind still works distantly on that puzzle. "Do you want to?" When they'd first started this, Adam had expected that Ronan would prefer that role, wouldn't want to relinquish it even to Adam.

The trust he'd been given had awed Adam then and now the amount he has in Ronan amazes him too.

"I trust you," he says. It's almost as weighty as 'I love you.'

[thedreamthief]

Heart thudding in his chest and eyes wide, locked on Adam's face, Ronan nods. As often as he's thought about, even dreamt of it, some part of him hadn't thought it might come to pass. Not soon, at least. It hasn't bothered him, being close to Adam, being allowed to kiss him, to stare at him openly, to feel the warm press of Adam's skin, the length of him inside... it's all been more than Ronan knows he deserves. It's all been so much more than enough.

"I want to," he says because Adam, as always, deserves the truth. He presses another kiss to Adam's lips then, soft and slow as he gives a gentle rock of his hips. "I'll go slow," he continues, a whispered promise. "And we can stop if you don't like it."

[incognoscibilis]

Adam arches his back, rolls his hips against Ronan's and it's more than teasing now. The faith Adam has in Ronan is a new and fragile thing, but a real one. Every part of him shivers, his fingers searching along the lines of Ronan's tattoo, the living and shifting lines.

Control is not a thing easily relinquished. It requires trust and Adam has had little reason for it until a certain handful of people. Of them all, he realizes his faith in Ronan is strongest and he wants it. He wants to fall back against the bed for Ronan to explore and open up and claim, though he will never own Adam. Adam thinks that Ronan doesn't want that anyway.

"I want you," he says, voice just as low.

[thedreamthief]

Adam arches with him, a glorious shift of sinew and bone from thigh to mouth. Ronan breathes into the kiss, swallowing Adam's words and relishing the way they warm him from the inside, a heavy, low thrum of electricity pulsing low between his thighs.

He laughs then, overwhelmed, as he ducks into the curve of Adam's neck, mouthing at the skin there, one hand smoothing over Adam's side, feeling every ridge and dent of his ribs. He kisses lower, sucking at the skin stretched over Adam's strong clavicle, his hands spanning Adam's narrow waist, muscles thick beneath his palms.

[incognoscibilis]

He can feel Ronan's interest, hard against his own thigh, and Adam laughs. The weight of the outside world–of everything beyond this bedroom–fades away. Just like the dream, all that matters is this tiny space that they've made into their own kingdom. "Manibus," he whispers, drawing his own, slender hands up Ronan's back again.

Without looking, he knows the shapes, even in the inconsistent lines.

[thedreamthief]

Adam's mentioned before, the dreamt container of lotion Ronan -- a different Ronan, the Ronan still back in Henrietta -- had given him. And the inscription. And even if that hadn't been him, not exactly, the connection is still there, it's an act this Adam recognizes as important. And that's more than good enough.

With a low, heavy breath, Ronan slides lower still, mouthing down the line of Adam's sternum to the dip of his belly-button, pausing there to flick his tongue shallowly inside as he slides his hands across the span of Adam's hips, holding him down.

"Too bad you don't have any of that stuff here," Ronan says, grinning as he slides one hand inward to wrap loosely around the length of Adam's cock, squeezing gently. "Could be useful right now."

[incognoscibilis]

Adam starts to laugh and it cuts off into a high sound as Ronan palms him, squeezes him. It feels tight in his stomach, the concentrated ache, and he digs fingers into Ronan's shoulders. It's not hard enough to hurt but it's insistent, yearning.

"You know where I keep it," he says, fighting a little to concentrate. "Lube and condoms, same place as always."

He shifts, leans up so he's hip to hip with Ronan again and rubs insistently against him.

[thedreamthief]

There's something intimate in that alone, Ronan thinks. Both the knowledge and the implication. Ronan knows where Adam keeps those things because they're often in this bed when Adam needs them. They might belong to Adam, but they're items Adam shares with Ronan, that they use together.

Before he can reach for the night table, however, Adam's arching beneath him, leaning up so they're aligned once more, rubbing against him.

Ronan reacts with a low groan. It comes out more as a growl and Ronan gives up his search for the moment to grind down, eyes dark and locked on Adam's. "Could just fuckin' do this forever," he admits, one hand still curved around Adam's side, the other holding his weight, his lips a breath above Adam's. His chest aches, heart beating wildly already as he breathes shakily. "Love... love how you feel beneath me."

[incognoscibilis]

"Yeah..." For a second, Adam thinks Ronan is going to say he loves him and the enormity of that possibility crashes over him. In a distant way, it makes sense. That's what's meant to happen when they do this long enough. But the possibility of not just being wanted but loved by Ronan Lynch is a strange, powerful thing for a boy who's never been loved.

He realizes then that he's going inside his own head again, falling, forgetting himself and Adam drags himself forward again, back to Ronan.

"Only forever?" he asks. It's not a good recovery.

[thedreamthief]

Adam slips away for a moment, eyes glazing even as Ronan moves against him. It lasts only a second or two before he's back, gaze locked on Ronan's.

"Too long?" Ronan replies, lips quirking into a grin before he brushes his lips to Adam's again.

He doesn't wait for Adam's answer, doesn't wait for anything at all, before he's reaching for the night table, fishing the lube and a condom from the drawer before dropping both onto the bed beside Adam's pillow and settling over him again. They're bare from head to foot and Ronan lets himself soak up every inch of Adam's warmth, his lips against Adam's temple.

"We don't have to," he says, a reminder. "I want to, I've thought about it. A lot. But we don't ever have to do it -- Hell, that's what dreams are for, right?"

[incognoscibilis]

"Worried you'd get bored of me," Adam confesses. It's almost the heart of what actually scares him. The fear and inability to know how to love, to be loved. It overwhelms him a little.

He leans into the kiss, gentle and warm against his temple. Lovingly. How does he accept that? It's too much, too important a gift.

"But I'm not worried about this." He gestures between them, indicating the act. "I know it'll be good. You'll be good."

[thedreamthief]

"Do I look bored?" Ronan replies, arching an eyebrow.

He knows Adam doesn't mean now, doesn't mean this, but his point stands, he thinks. Ronan hasn't been bored of Adam since the minute they met. He's been irritated, frustrated, jealous. Enthralled and enamored. Adam has made him ache in a way Ronan never knew possible, but he's never fucking been bored.

Ronan shifts closer, his hand smoothing down the length of Adam's side to curl over his hip. "It'll be good," he says, both agreement and promise. "If it isn't, fucking tell me, okay? Just..." He trails off, ducking slightly to bump his nose against Adam's before pushing into a kiss. His fingers slip downward again to brush over the root of Adam's cock, gently curling around him as he continues, "I want to show you how good you make me feel."

[incognoscibilis]

He laughs then, soft and fond and entirely here in the moment. The Ronan of Adam's imaginings and daydreams would never have bumped their noses together. In Adam's imagination, Ronan cared but only gruffly, never with the careful sweetness the real Ronan attends to him.

It's more than he deserves and he drinks it all in.

"You will," he says, giving Ronan another kiss. More than anything else, Ronan feels good. Right. "I feel safe with you."

[thedreamthief]

Adam's faith in him is staggering. If there's anyone who has little reason to trust any other human being, much less Ronan Lynch, it's Adam. Ronan feels his chest draw tight and he feels the soft heat of Adam's cock under his palm. He doesn't doubt Adam's sincerity in this; he can feel it.

All he can do is ensure it hasn't been misplaced.

Carefully, he reaches for the lube and smears some of it on one finger then shifts over Adam again, holding his weight on one arm as he slips his hand between Adam's legs with the other, gently encouraging him to spread wider with a nudge of his fingertip. He's not penetrating, just petting the soft stretch of skin behind Adam's balls, eyes locked on Adam the entire time.

"I will," he says, his finger slowly venturing further back. "Breathe for me, yeah? Let me in."

[incognoscibilis]

Adam only realizes that he's tensed when Ronan tells him to breathe and he tries, taking in a long, unsteady breath. It's not fear, just simple anticipation mixed with the uncertainty of something so new. Being pliant has never been his strong suit but for Ronan, he tries. Taking another breath, Adam opens his legs further and soaks in the warmth of Ronan's touch.

This is familiar. This is good. He just has to keep his body from reacting like his mind.

"Keep going," he says.

[thedreamthief]

Still watching Adam intently, Ronan does as instructed, brushing his finger further back to lightly circle and massage Adam's hole. His heart is already pounding, breathing shallow, and he leans down slowly, lips brushing the curve of Adam's jaw as he very, very carefully pushes just the tip inside.

He doesn't go far, slipping out soon enough, easing Adam into the feel of it as his teeth lightly find Adam's earlobe.

[incognoscibilis]

It's strange. Neither good nor bad. Ronan is tentative and Adam is still taut with expectation. His concentration is on Ronan's kisses, the sweetness in them that suffuses him with a perfect, happy warmth.

The bite to his ear makes him startle, body jumping with the suddenness of it and the spike of pleasure that follows. It's confusing to want that aggression especially when he so often revels in Ronan's gentleness. "You can..." He frowns, trying to articulate it, to understand it himself.

He reaches down and takes Ronan's wrist, directing him to press in again.

[thedreamthief]

The feel of Adam's fingers curling around his wrist, sure and careful and determined, punches a breath of air from Ronan's lungs. He lets Adam guide him for half a second before taking over, slowly slipping a finger inside, past the tight ring of muscle, in past the first knuckle, and then in, in, in.

"Fuck," he breathes, already overwhelmed. Adam is so hot inside, and soft. Ronan twists his wrist gently then pulls back only slightly, greedily soaking in the feel of him as he waits for Adam to adjust. Murmurs, "Holy shit, you feel incredible."

[incognoscibilis]

For a second, all Adam can do is breathe. Ronan might admire his hands but Adam finds more beauty in Ronan's, in all that they can create and do. In all that they manage to wring from him. "God..." he says, inching himself down on Ronan's fingers as it becomes more comfortable.

Leaning up, all he wants to do is kiss Ronan, to show again and again his trust.

[thedreamthief]

It's a good sound, pure pleasure as far as Ronan can tell, and it's confirmed when Adam rocks gently to take more of him, Ronan's fingers pushed in as far as he can reach. He's still unbelievably tight and Ronan keeps up a slow rhythm, pumping in and out as Adam shifts against him.

Adam's lips are parted and tempting, his eyes dark when they meet Ronan's. Gently, Ronan slips his finger free to line up two, easing them both inside as he ducks in to press his mouth to Adam's. The kiss is as unhurried as his touch, though Ronan's trembling slightly, overwhelmed at the sensation, licking into the heat of Adam's mouth as keeps a steady, slow rhythm with his fingers.

[incognoscibilis]

The second finger adds more pressure but Adam's not tensed against it anymore and it moves a little more easily, beginning to translate into real pleasure. The kind that builds slowly, threatens to become too much and then dances away from that edge when Ronan's fingers draw away.

Breath shallow, near a pant, Adam has to bite his lips, eyes closed, to suppress a low, tight sound that absolutely burns with wanting.

[thedreamthief]

Ronan ducks to mouth at Adam's jaw, his eyes wide, taking in every flicker across Adam's face, using it to steer him, fingers still moving smoothly in the tight, wet heat of Adam's body. Every shallow breath Adam takes is intoxicating, an addiction Ronan never wants to shake and he ducks to mouth along the skin of Adam's neck and down his clavicle, stretching him with slow, but eager movements until he has three fingertips nudging Adam's hole.

It's a slower push then, his lips parted against Adam's neck as he eases in, going no further than the first knuckle and waiting.

[incognoscibilis]

Again, he drags in a long, shallow breath, his body adjusting. It verges on too much, somewhere between pleasure and difficulty, but he nods that trust at Ronan once again. Even in the uncertain moments, he knows and trusts him.

"Yeah," he says. It's barely a whisper but saying it out loud feels important.

[thedreamthief]

Even after Adam's breath of approval, Ronan waits just a little longer, partially to give Adam more time yet to adjust, partially to keep him wanting, to keep him aching, and partially to draw it out for himself, to take a few more moments to admire the look on Adam's face right now, open and uncertain and vulnerable.

Trust is not an easy thing for Adam Parrish to gift anyone, Ronan knows. He doesn't take it lightly.

"Okay," he says eventually, a whispered sort of warning before he very gently eases his fingers in just a little further, wrist twisting to make the glide easier, gaze still locked on Adam's face, taking in every twitch and shift of his expression.