never knew loving could hurt this good [2/23]

[thedreamthief]

They're in the Barns, in Ronan's room, the bed he's had since he was eight, a dream thing created by his father like so many other things in the house. Ronan can remember every detail, the exact pattern of the quilt, the dents and dings on the wooden bed legs made by errant skateboards and dog teeth and cat claws and carelessly discarded baseball bats. He can remember the dip of the mattress, the scent of his pillows, the strip of warmth from the sun peeking in through the window.

Adam fits as though he's always been here, the width of the bed expanding to hold him, to welcome him, blankets draping over his calves like an embrace.

They're tangled, legs entwined, bare from the waist up, Ronan with one arm under Adam's head and the other wrapped around his middle, fingertips tracing invisible patterns up the center of Adam's back. Noses brushing, Ronan breathes gently into Adam's mouth, still enthralled by the flush of pink across Adam's cheekbones, the line of his nose, the fall of dark eyelashes. Still amazed, even now, that he can have this even beyond his dreams.

In dreams, words aren't necessary. In dreams, Adam already knows what lies beneath Ronan's chest, all he wants and has to offer. In dreams, Ronan can press his lips to Adam's and paint his fingers over soft skin, can leave delicate, beautiful lines with only a touch and not worry that it's too much.

Comments

[incognoscibilis]

"Yeah," Adam says, not really even stopping to think. His voice is a rasp and he presses against Ronan again, a hand sliding from Ronan's chest and down to palm at Ronan, stroking him with shaky fingers. "Yeah, Ronan. I want to. I want you." It's silly and plaintive, the words repeating themselves, but it doesn't change how he looks at Ronan and how he feels.

"How do you want me?"

[thedreamthief]

The curl of Adam's fingers around his length has Ronan shuddering, hips arching forward instinctively as his head drops forward.

"Fuck," he breathes, taking a moment to collect himself before letting out a quiet, awed laugh and gently easing his fingers from the tight clench of Adam's body. Resting back on his knees, Ronan reaches for the condom packet and rips it open, sliding it onto himself with unpracticed, slightly shaky hands.

He glances up at Adam as he smears a little more lube over himself and then leans forward again, hooking one hand beneath Adam's knee. "Like this," he says, though he knows it won't be the easiest position. "I want to see you. That okay?"

[incognoscibilis]

Adam nods again. He knows that the position is a little awkward, knows it just as well as Ronan does, but he also can't deny himself the chance to see Ronan's face as he sinks into him, to watch it distort when he comes. Reaching out, he slides his hand against Ronan's own shaking one and thinks about how this is almost a reversal of the first time they tried this. Adam certain and trusting, Ronan with shaking hands.

Moving a pillow into the small of his back, Adam eases himself down against the mattress until he's spread out for Ronan to see. To have. "I'm ready."

[thedreamthief]

It's Adam who grabs a pillow to rest at the small of his back, Ronan watching with wide, overwhelmed eyes as Adam shifts and arches, spreading his legs in open, trusting invitation.

Breath caught in his throat, Ronan shuffles closer, skimming his hand up Adam's calf and over his knee, curling over the thick muscle of one thigh, supporting and spreading just a little more as he leans forward to catch himself on his other arm.

"Think I might need a minute," he says, his voice low and teasing even as he means it sincerely. He ducks to press a kiss to Adam's lips, keeping it slow and sweet as he guides Adam's leg to loosely wrap around him. "You look fucking incredible like this," he murmurs when he breaks away, dropping the brush of a kiss to Adam's jaw then.

[incognoscibilis]

He laughs softly and turns to smudge a kiss along Ronan's cheekbone. There's no seeing what Ronan sees. In his own eyes, when Adam looks into his reflection, he mostly sees thin, wiry, scarred. He doesn't see what Ronan sees. He doesn't see what makes him worthy of Ronan Lynch,though he knows he's glad of it, impossibly happy about it.

"We both know you're the pretty one, Lynch," Adam says, turning for a proper kiss. The reason the humor is convincing is Adam's own belief in it.

[thedreamthief]

"Fuck that," Ronan says, breaking the kiss with a rough laugh. Because they both know Ronan isn't pretty and they both know Adam would never agree to being described as such either. Not even with his delicate cheekbones and full lips, the noble slant of his nose and elegant fingers.

No, Adam Parrish isn't pretty -- he's fucking beautiful.

Ronan knows better than to say so out loud.

Still grinning, he tips in for another press of Adam's lips, sinks into the feel of Adam's hands on his skin, the breadth of his spread legs and open heart. He pulls away moments later, breathless, head ducked as he reaches down between them, taking hold of himself and guiding forward, the tip, slippery, nudging at the tight pucker of Adam's hole.

[incognoscibilis]

There's so much they're not saying. There's so much they don't need to say and so much they do. Right now, words go elsewhere as Adam braces his hands on Ronan's shoulders, changes angles a little until it becomes easier to take Ronan into his body.

Like his fingers, the first press is odd, foreign-feeling, and then Adam remembers to breathe and looks up, his eyes fixed intently on Ronan.

He's struck with the need to say I love you and bites his lip, demanding care of himself. They're weighty words and he can't just throw them at Ronan.

[thedreamthief]

It isn't an easy thing. Adam's tight, his body unyielding despite the preparation and Ronan has to angle his own hips slightly along with Adam's. His grip tightens on the sheets beneath Adam's back as he eases in, mouth falling open as slowly, slowly, slowly he presses in.

His eyes find Adam's, locking on dark hazel and he has to pause when he's barely even in, has to swallow down all the words that threaten to bubble from between his lips.

"Fuck," he allows eventually, shuddering as he sucks in a breath. Then, carefully, rolls his hips forward once more, sliding gradually into the amazingly tight heat of Adam's body.

[incognoscibilis]

"Yeah..." Adam laughs a little, not quite hysterically, but the sound is loaded with emotion and the feelings that shudder through his body already. The motion is slow and he's grateful for that as his body accommodates Ronan, accepts him in. Adam's own cock flags a little, laying along his stomach. Every brush of Ronan's body against his and every second that lets him adjust sparks something back up.

Reaching out, he cups Ronan's faith in his hands, eyes wide and a little lost, amazed. "It's good," he says.

[thedreamthief]

Adam reaches for him, fingers grazing the curve of Ronan's jaw, drawing him in close as, once again, Ronan pauses above him. His heart is hammering, everything too hot too good too much as he stares.

"Good," he agrees, though it's a massive understatement, though they aren't at all the words he actually aches to say. Swallowing tightly, he pulls his hips back, nearly slipping out before pressing forward once more, pushing in deeper with a shuddered breath. "Shit-- Really fucking good. Holy fuck."

It'd be easy to get lost in this, he thinks. In Adam's wide, trusting eyes and spread legs, in the hitch of his breath and warm, welcoming body. In his tender, bruised heart, still so wary, but opening for Ronan, letting him in little by little.

[incognoscibilis]

He holds tight to Ronan, laying himself back in the mattress, trying to arch his back, to angle his hips, anything to make it a little easier so that the pleasure overtakes the strangeness. It does. It will. But Adam knows how it can be, the smooth glide of two bodies, the fit.

"You're...I'm okay, I think. If you want..." The pressure of holding still, of going slowly, is starting to push at him. He wants Ronan, trusts him.

[thedreamthief]

Adam's foot slides up his back as he arches, letting Ronan slide in deeper. He's still soft between them, but his eyes are locked on Ronan's, his tone low and words wanting. He doesn't finish his sentence, but Ronan has no difficulty interpreting nonetheless and he lets out another shuddered breath, barely managing a nod.

"I want," he says, voice shaky and lets himself press in deeper now, up to the hilt, buried in Adam's heat. "Fuck, I want. Adam." He eases back slightly then back in, folding slightly so his weight is on one elbow, lips a breath above Adam's as he starts up an easy rhythm.

He can barely breathe through how it good it feels, Adam's body wet and willing and tight around him, legs spread and curled, Adam's breath warm on his lips. It feels impossible, even now, that this is happening, that Adam could trust him enough for this, could want this. There are still words on the tip of his tongue, too much, too heavy to be said despite the ache. Despite however much he wants to let them out.

[incognoscibilis]

When Ronan moves, sets up a comfortable back and forth, Adam feels himself start to really tip over into pleasure. The strangeness, the discomfort, Ronan edges them further away with every thrust and arousal flows back through him, making him stiffen between them. Adam has the decency to pretend to be embarrassed, even as he looks up at Ronan, grinning, feeling like he's in the midst of something wonderful, impossible.

"More," he says softly at last. Not harder or faster, necessarily, but Adam knows he needs more. They've begun this and he increasingly needs Ronan to take it, to really claim this from him.

[thedreamthief]

Adam grins up at him, his cheeks flushed and eyes heavy-lidded and Ronan can feel the want beneath his skin pulse brighter, hotter. His hips rock forward a little harder, burying himself, and at Adam's quiet demand, he shudders all over again.

Swallowing back a moan, he nods in understanding, shifts to curl his arm beneath Adam's hips, lifting him up slightly to better the angle before rolling forward. The slide is easy now and he can feel Adam growing thick again between them, his cock a heavy press against Ronan's belly. "Jesus," he breathes, lips brushing Adam's collarbone as heat rockets all through him. "Can you... fuck, do you think you can come like this?"

[incognoscibilis]

Is that even a question? Adam nods faintly, distracted by the look on Ronan's face, the mixture of strain and desire. Is that what he looks like, he wonders. Is that look of impossible, messy bliss the same as the one Adam wears when he gets to take Ronan, to be inside him? Adam can't imagine looking that involved, the savage and beautiful, but he knows that what they feel is the same.

"Can you?" He inclines his head, tries awkwardly to kiss the crest of Ronan's skull, to be close to him in any way that he can manage.

There is a word for this, he thinks. For the feeling that Ronan sends through him, body and soul. And he is as afraid of it as he amazed by it.

[thedreamthief]

Adam's response, silent as it is, unwinds something in Ronan's chest, and he lets out a rough breath, his hips punching forward, arms straining from the effort of holding his own weight. He's found a rhythm, one that has him sinking in deep, one where he can feel the press of Adam's cock against his belly with every push, and he lets out a breathless laugh at the question, pulling back enough to meet Adam's eyes.

"You fucking kidding me?" he says, rhetorical, muscles trembling as, even now, he strives to hold back. "It's a fuckin' miracle I haven't come already. You feel incredible."

[incognoscibilis]

"Don't," Adam says, looks up at Ronan with wide, hungry eyes. "I want to see you. Feel you." To show Ronan what he wants, Adam slides a hand down his own chest, knuckles bumping against the planes of Ronan's chest and stomach. Keeping eye contact, he wraps his fingers around himself to stroke.

He's not quite ready to come, not as wound up as Ronan is, but he feels good. Whatever is still adjusting physically is awash in the comfortable realization of Ronan's care. His love.

[thedreamthief]

The muscles in Ronan's abdomen twitch and contract as Adam sneaks a hand between them to carefully take himself in hand. Ronan's aware of every knuckle on Adam's hand, the bump and brush as he starts stroking himself. His breath hitches, rhythm faltering for a second before he rocks forward again, grinding in deep.

"You first," he breathes, eyes locked on Adam's as he finds a good rhythm again, weight rested on one arm as he untucks the other from Adam's back to reach up and brush the hair from his forehead, thumb gazing the delicate line of Adam's brow. "I want-- want to watch you, to feel it around me. Fuck, I wanna come in you."

[incognoscibilis]

"I want you," he echoes. The words are distracted, Adam's eyes following the course of Ronan's gentle fingers. The tenderness in the midst of this, in the midst of fucking, is a gorgeous little paradox. Adam strokes himself faster, body alive and aching, his skin electric.

Reaching vaguely up for Ronan, hoping for a kiss but also caught up in the tight rhythm between them, Adam can only blink up at him. "You want that?"

[thedreamthief]

It seems obvious, more than obvious even, but Ronan still nods as best he can, his breathing shallow, hitching with every tight push as Adam's hand works faster between them. His thumb trails downward then, fingers outstretched to cradle Adam's.

"Why, you want me to pull out and come on you instead?" he asks, a breathless joke that soon melts into a rough groan when he has a sudden mental picture of just that, of easing out, slipping off the condom and finishing across Adam's gorgeous, tanned belly.

Later, he thinks. Maybe. Right now, he wants this.

[incognoscibilis]

"Mm..." It's supposed to be the start of the word maybe, but Ronan thrusts in again, a little deeper, and Adam's who body jumps. His head falls back, mouth open, and he's only faintly aware of the fact that he's started to come. He keeps touching himself, keeps staring up at Ronan with those wide, blown eyes.

"Ronan," he groans out, chasing up to kiss him. His skin is electric, sensitive to everything it touches, and he feels as though he can perceive every inch of Ronan's skin now.

[thedreamthief]

Adam jolts beneath him, head falling back and eyes blow wide. Ronan can feel it all over, can feel Adam's muscles coiling beneath him, thighs gripping his sides, the cord of his neck on beautiful display.

But more than that, Ronan can feel Adam clenching down around him, squeezing him tight from the inside, so tight Ronan can't do anything but grind against him, mouth open and heart pounding as Adam completely unravels, completely shatters.

"Holy fuck," he breathes, fucking in harder, chest aching as he leans down, sharing Adam's breath as he drives forward, barrels forward, foot on the accelerator-- and crashes, shuddering on a strangled moan.

[incognoscibilis]

He can and can't feel it, can see it in Ronan's expression and hear it in his voice. A dark, hungry part of his mind wonders what it would feel like without the condom, with Ronan bare against him. The idea delights and bewilders him, still riding on that pleasure as they go.

It takes a second to actually process that Ronan's actually said words. Words that are in fact typical of him, which makes Adam smile. He looks up at Ronan, grinning, eyes still wide.

"Holy fuck."

[thedreamthief]

Ronan doesn't stop moving right away, can't seem to at all even as he empties himself in the condom, heart hammering and mind fuzzed over with pleasure. He opens his eyes slowly to find Adam staring back at him, lips curled in a grin, eyes dark.

"You mocking me, Parrish?" he says, though his tone is nothing but fond and he rocks forward one last time to lean in, his lips brushing over Adam's. It's a light kiss, Ronan's breath still coming too hard and too fast and it melts into another, awed sort of laugh before he pulls back again, his thumb once again brushing Adam's brow.

He should say something, he thinks, three words in particular threatening to burst right out of him. But the worry now is timing, he thinks. Only dicks say it during or right after sex, right? Isn't that some fucking rule somewhere?

[incognoscibilis]

"Never," he fibs. "I would never mock you." It's a slight nudge at the truth, one that makes allowances for when they tease, playfully call one another loser and shitbag, but those don't count. Ronan knows that just as well as he does.

He turns his head to those kisses like leaves to the sun, nuzzling into Ronan's palm when he breaks away. Looking at him sidelong, Adam can perceive the beams of fading sunlight through his window. They've slept and dreamed and fucked all afternoon and it's time that wasn't spent on school or work but Adam can't think of it as time wasted. Time reclaimed. Time made theirs. Time owned.

"Come on, lie down." They can curl up together. Adam can do the reading for his literature class and try and explain it to a disinterested Ronan, only to kiss him quiet.