[9/19] when after you see your face

[thedreamthief]

Hywel is far from empty by the time Ronan makes it back. Hercules scampers over as Ronan stalks his way past the barn area and Cinnamon turns her large head to blink huge, brown eyes at him.

The upstairs is equally occupied, the door to Gansey's room wide open and Adam out in the front room, a scatter of books and papers around him. Ronan doesn't so much as say hello before he stalks straight for the bathroom, stripping off his shirt once he's inside to examine the bruise already blooming across his side.

Fuck.

He checks out his hand next, frowning at the singed skin between his fingers before dunking it under the faucet, trying to clean out the dirt and ash, hissing at the slight sting.

There'll be no hiding this from Adam and, already, he's trying to come up with a decent lie. A believable lie. He fucking hates lying, especially to Adam, but he can already picture that shuttered off expression of disapproval and disappointment. Ronan had made a promise and he'd intended to keep it, but he hadn't been expecting some asshole with his face and his name to show up and kick Noah around.

He doesn't know how he could be expected to not react.

Scowling, and stomach still twisted in knots, Ronan flings the water off his hands and reaches for a towel, ignoring the ache in his side all the while.

Comments

[thedreamthief]

Not for the first time, Rona's glad he's decided to grow his hair out some. It's not something he would've considered a year or so ago, but he likes the way it still makes people look at him, those gazes as appreciative as they are wary most of the time. But, more than that, he likes the way Adam curls his fingers through the strands, how it sends a slow roll of pleasure all down Ronan's spine.

"Well, I did throw him out a window that one time," Ronan reminds Adam, but it's hardly an argument. Despite Noah's protesting, that'd been as fun for him as it had been for Ronan.

He lets out a breath then, slowly relaxing under Adam's touch. Under his warmth. He closes his eyes as he lets out another slow breath and it feels easier then to consider things he's been trying to ignore for months, things he's tried to shove down. "Remember, uhm. Remember when Prom?"

[incognoscibilis]

"Well, yeah," Adam says, still playing with Ronan's hair. They both know it's not the same. Ronan is capable of rage and playful malice but not sadism. Adam wouldn't be here if that wasn't the case.

"What part of prom?" It had been an eventful night and an eventful few days after and though Adam thinks he can guess what part, it also feels important to let Ronan say what he means.

[thedreamthief]

Adam's touch doesn't falter, still gently carding his fingers through the curls of Ronan's mohawk. Ronan keeps his eyes closed.

"You know what part," he murmurs a moment later, his voice quiet, a soft plea for Adam to not make him spell it out entirely. "You forgave me, but." He pauses again, still struggling to find his words, still scared to open his eyes and see if Adam's frowning down at him. "Nothing's happened since then," he adds quickly because he needs to make that much clear still. "Nothing will either, but uh. But Noah heard my thoughts. A few weeks ago."

[incognoscibilis]

"I still forgive you," Adam says. It hasn't been retracted and it will take more than thoughts to do it. "What was it you were thinking about?" Noah, obviously, but that isn't everything.

All through it, he still keeps petting Ronan's hair, listening.

He doesn't know that he would be mad if something did happen, as long as Ronan doesn't keep it a secret. There's a difference between an affair and loving more than one person. If Darrow's taught him anything, it's that.

[thedreamthief]

Here it is, then. No backing out now.

Ronan takes another breath, focuses on the feel of Adam's fingers through his hair. The touch doesn't waver in the slightest and there isn't a hint of anger or upset in Adam's tone.

"I was thinking about us," he says, for once in his life, choosing his words carefully. "All of us. How I feel about you and Noah and Gansey. And about that secret of Blue's, how it said she's a little in love with all of us. Except... except it's more than a little for me, I think. With you three."

[incognoscibilis]

"It's true," he says. What point is there in denying it? They're all woven together with hundreds of different threads. "And that's also true." Ronan lives and breathes for all of them, in different ways. Adam's surprised by his own comfort with it, even though he sort of can't actually picture himself kissing Gansey or Noah. Or Blue, anymore.

He loves Ronan and he's rotten enough to play favorites. It doesn't change that the thought of falling asleep next to Gansey or Blue is still a comforting, safe one.

[thedreamthief]

Again, there's no hint of hurt or upset in Adam's voice and he's still touching Ronan's hair gently. From his vantage point, Ronan can see that Adam's thinking, can see him mulling Ronan's words over in his mind, but there's no clouding of his expression.

And Ronan isn't sure yet how to interpret it.

Slowly, Ronan lifts one arm to reach for Adam's hand, curling their fingers and squeezing tight. "I don't know what the fuck this means, Parrish," he says, not hiding the plea in his voice. "Any of it. Does it even fucking matter?" After all, Noah clearly doesn't feel the same way and Gansey's not even into dick. What does it matter what Ronan feels? Especially when he has Adam, when Adam loves him so fiercely that he's all Ronan really needs.

[incognoscibilis]

"I don't have much of an answer," Adam says, distracted enough that his damn accent slips out. Momentarily, he pauses and reels it back in, reminding himself of who he is and who he doesn't have to be either. Stroking Ronan's cheek, Adam shrugs.

"I know you can love more than one person." They've seen it now in many of their friends, even beyond just Krem and Noah, however badly that had gone. "I also know it'd be different if it wasn't one of us." He doesn't need to specify. There's only one Us in their world, followed by the small bubble that surrounds that concept.

[thedreamthief]

The idea that Ronan ever could love someone outside of Adam or Gansey or Noah hadn't even occurred to him. When he'd first arrived in Darrow, when he'd had no one but Chainsaw and his own nightmares to keep him company, he'd fallen in with Grantaire. It'd been companionship, a friendship, but nothing like what Ronan feels for his Raven Boys. Nothing even close.

"What about you?" he asks, pressing his cheek against Adam's fingers. "Am I the only greedy fuck here?"

His words are flippant and tone dry, a necessary reaction to keep his nerves from prickling too close to the surface.

[incognoscibilis]

He shrugs, because it's a very open-ended question. "I'm greedy for a lot of things," Adam says. For accomplishments, for success. But Ronan's love? It's strange to him how he has complete faith in it. He doesn't believe for a second that Ronan loves him any less and the certainty of it after a lifetime of selfish, shriveled meanness leaves him at peace.

"I've never thought about it. Sometimes I'm not sure I've got enough love in me for one person." But, he supposes, that's just another way in which Adam is fundamentally broken.

[thedreamthief]

Again, Adam doesn't seem upset. His statement doesn't come off as petulant or self-deprecating, but more of a genuine declaration. A simple fact.

Ronan frowns, twisting a little to sit up, still draped largely over Adam's lap with his hand pressed to the other side of the cushion to hold his weight. The angle places his face right in front of Adam's as he says, "It's not that you're not enough." It's something he needs to make clear, that he needs Adam to know. "You get that, right? Whatever the fuck I feel for them, it has nothing to do with how I feel for you. If it's just you and me for the rest of our lives, I'm good with that."

It feels like a heavier statement once it's past his lips, but Ronan doesn't pull it back. Heavy or not, he means it completely.

[incognoscibilis]

"I know that," Adam says but it's clear in his face that he's realizing that for the first time too. It has nothing to do with Ronan or even this conversation, but Adam Parrish has never been Enough to anyone and now here he is with Ronan and he feels so loved he could bury himself under it. Sometimes, like now, the magnitude of that rocks him a little bit.

"The rest of our lives?" It's plaintive, curious. Adam's always avoided talking about that kind of forever but, as in all things, their Raven Boys are an exception. He's tried to avoid believing in forever but when it comes to them, he believes it.

Adam pulls Ronan closer into his arms and tries not to think of it as absurd. Why shouldn't he be the protective one right now, when Ronan looks so fragile?

"That other Ronan doesn't have this."

[thedreamthief]

He isn't sure Adam does know that. Fuck, after living in that shithole of a trailer with those dicksmacks pretending to be parents, Ronan can't say he blames him. And Ronan will spend the rest of his life showing Adam just how much more than enough he is and be happy about it.

"Or until you get sick of my shit," he says, his lips twitching into nearly a grin, a feeble attempt at levity when everything suddenly feels so weighted.

But Adam's arms are around him then and Ronan lets himself duck into the curve of Adam's neck. The words are a comfort, a reminder that however fucked Ronan might be, he has this to keep him grounded. He has Adam. With a soft sigh, he presses a kiss to Adam's neck and whispers, "If that asshole ever touched you, I'd cut his dick off."

[incognoscibilis]

"I haven't yet," Adam points out and, for all Ronan's volatility, he really does think that Ronan's gotten past the worst days. He has faith that they're not going to find Ronan drunk in a church pew or coming home with broken bones–at least not in a way that will shock them. And even if he does, Adam has the words to talk him through it and arrive at an understanding.

"I don't think he's with me...Adam? in his world." In fact, he knows it, but bringing up Kavinsky so directly feels fragile right now. "But it doesn't matter."

It feels important, anyway, to keep this about them. This Adam. This Ronan.

[thedreamthief]

Ronan isn't sure that's supposed to be comforting or not. If there's another Ronan, there's likely another Adam, too. And a Gansey and Noah and Blue. He doesn't know how they're all different or even if they are, doesn't know if the Ronan that kneed him in the gut even has friends at all.

Frankly, he doesn't want to know.

"No," Ronan agrees. "But shit, maybe that's why he's so angry," he adds with another hint of a grin. He's joking, at least to some extent. Because there's no question that Ronan's calmed down, that he isn't nearly as angry as he used to be, isn't nearly so destructive.

And it's bullshit to think Adam isn't a good part of the reason why.

[incognoscibilis]

"You're better with us," Adam says. It's a broad, general term but he means it. In lieu of the happy family that will never repopulate the Barns, Ronan needs them. He needs Gansey and Noah and Blue. He needs Adam. A Ronan without those things as an angry, windmilling thing with no one to bring him back to ground.

"I'm better with you."

He wraps his arm a little tighter around Ronan. A little more protective. He kisses Ronan's head.

"Do you need burn cream or anything? Do we have burn cream?"

[thedreamthief]

The first part is true, but Ronan's still not so sure of the second. Adam Parrish was a self-sufficient boy who made himself into a self-sufficient man. If Ronan can't imagine Adam without the rest of them, it's only because he doesn't want to.

Adam's arms tighten around him and Ronan let out a low, pleasant huff of a laugh before glancing down at his own hand, fingers spread to see the mark left behind.

He shakes his head. "Had worse. Just stings." He curls his fingers back into a loose fist, hiding it away as his lips twitch into a teasing grin. "Might let you kiss away the bruise if you want though."

[incognoscibilis]

Adam Parrish has known his whole life how to be an army of one but it's been harder, letting in allies. Being an army of four, then five, then six. An army of two. Even then, he knows he's better for it. He's better for Blue, Noah, Gansey, and Ronan.

"At least wash it off, will you? Don't give him the satisfaction of an infection."

Adam's proud of himself for saying that. For smiling through it. It's a thought he's used before to motivate himself through bad days but now it's something he can share rather than bottle up. It's still a spiteful thought but it's no longer a thin veneer of self-defense either.

[thedreamthief]

Once again, Ronan can't help but wonder how often Adam's had to deal with this exact wound in his life. He'd seen the bruising, the split lips and black eyes. He'd seen the hits firsthand.

The memory still leaves a bad taste in his mouth. Likely always will.

"Yes, Mom," he says instead of calling further attention to it, meeting Adam's grin with his own. "But does that mean you're not gonna kiss it better?"

[incognoscibilis]

"You better hope I'm not your mom," Adam says, but he does lift Ronan's hand to his mouth to lay a kiss on his knuckles. He doesn't kiss the injury itself, aware of how fragile burns can be, but he does linger. He loves Ronan's hands as much as he thinks Ronan loves his.

"You didn't dream me healing kisses, Lynch. So you should still put a bandage on it."

[thedreamthief]

That quicks a grin to Ronan's lips and he curls his fingers to give Adam's hand an answering squeeze before pulling him in close to steal a kiss from his lips instead. As far as Ronan's concerned, that kiss could heal almost anything.

"Christ, fine," is what he says though, pretending to be irritated as, with a heavy sigh, he pushes himself to his feet. He ignores the continued ache in his side he leans back to pop his back. "Where the fuck do we even keep that shit?"

[incognoscibilis]

"Bathroom?" he guesses. It occurs to him that none of them have been responsible enough to get it but it seems like something they'd have. He hopes that maybe Gansey or Blue has had more responsibility. Or Krem or Mrs. Huang had come by before.

"I hope we have some."

[thedreamthief]

"If we don't, I'll dream some later," Ronan says, turning to head toward the bathroom, opening the cupboard mirror above the sink and rifling through the shaving cream and cold meds until he finds the small tube of ointment crammed on the third shelf near the back.

The container dates as least as far back as the first Gansey, he thinks. Hell, he's probably the one that bought it.

[incognoscibilis]

"Well, now we don't have to."

For a second, Adam can only watch Ronan. He's quiet and worried but he's also convinced, just by looking at him, that this Ronan is better. Whoever the other one is, he can't compare.

Knowing it, convinced of it, Adam moves behind Ronan and wraps his arms around him.

[thedreamthief]

Ronan isn't expecting Adam to follow and he glances up to see his reflection in the mirror only a second before Adam's arms wind around him from behind. Adam's warm against him from hip to shoulder and Ronan lets himself lean back into it as he unscrews the cap on the tube and squeezes a little bit of it between his fingers.

Glancing up again, he catches Adam's eyes in the mirror and wiggles his hand as if to say, 'See?' before he puts the cap back on the tube.

"Thinking about dreaming the BMW," he says then, voice quiet and calmer. "Tired of driving Gansey's shitmobile everywhere."