the smell of polluted pleasure

[thedreamthief]

He's sore all over, bleeding from his bottom lip as well as from a re-opened gash across his chest. His sides and lower back ache, doubtlessly covered in not-yet-visible bruises, and his right cheek is already sore to the touch. Ronan hasn't taken a look at a mirror at all yet, has no real idea how roughed up he looks, but he can feel it.

And he feels like he's flying, utterly high with it, adrenaline still pumping through his veins as he heads for Adam's. He can't go back to woods like this, can't let Gansey's disapproving eye bring him down right away.

He's at least smart enough to text him, a short and sweet 'at Adam's' to keep him from worrying. Because the only thing worse than Gansey in lecture mode is a Gansey in mother hen panic mode.

Ronan doesn't have a key to Adam's place, doesn't have the access that St. Agnes provided. Though that hardly deters him.

Even bruised and sore, Ronan has little difficulty using well-placed windowsills and ivy trellises to climb his way up to Adam's second-story balcony. Grinning wide, he bangs on the glass door, then cups his hand to try to squint inside. It's late and it's dark and there's a good chance Adam's asleep already, but it's fucking Friday, Parrish, open the goddamn door.

Comments

[incognoscibilis]

Ronan's expression was just short of predatory but Adam didn't comment on it. In different applications, Ronan's look could inspire dread in Adam, whether for himself or others. Now, in the dark of the apartment, it was the sort of look that might earn an invitation to the bedroom from a braver man.

Adam didn't think of himself as being particularly brave. Or seductive.

Instead, he put the cards away and leaned back on the sofa. "You should ice that."

[thedreamthief]

Ronan's focus drops, for just a second, to the stretch of Adam's torso before he catches himself. For a moment, he isn't sure what Adam's referring to, his high from the fight dying a swift death despite his best efforts, but a quick swipe of this tongue across his bottom lip after he swallows his water down is a quick reminder.

Shrugging, Ronan glances down at himself, his shirt still damp with sweat and streaked with blood: both his own and others'.

"Am I gonna fuck up your feng shui if I do?" he asks, tone snide but not cruel. Almost fond, even. He doesn't wait for Adam's reply, placing his nearly empty glass on the counter before he starts rifling through Adam's drawers. "You even have any goddamn plastic bags in here?"

[incognoscibilis]

For a second, Adam glanced at Ronan through his eyelashes, tried to read what Ronan wanted of him. Maybe if he were braver, better, he'd make a move and find out for sure. But he wasn't. Adam watched, lost for a moment, as Ronan licked his lip.

It took a second to fall back into himself before Adam thought to ease up from his spot on the couch and go into the kitchen. In the narrow galley space, it was hard not to brush against Ronan as he went into the cabinet that held his sandwich bags. "Right here."

[thedreamthief]

There isn't a lot of space in Adam's small, tired excuse for a kitchen, and Ronan steps back when Adam comes closer, making room for him even as he flashes sharp teeth as he snatches a bag from Adam's hand.

"You're a gem," he says, his tone now dripping with sarcasm. Opening the freezer door, Ronan starts filling the bag with ice cubes. Not for the first time, he wonders how often Adam's been in his position, how many times he's had to quietly fill a bag with ice to tend the wounds inflicted by his father. He wonders if that makes Adam more or less sympathetic in this moment. Less, Ronan imagines, if only because Ronan went looking for his bruises.

[incognoscibilis]

"I'm a rock," Adam said. A stone. A pebble. He'd been picked up out of the dirt, but there was no polishing a jewel out of him. "Wrap it in a towel. It'll help."

Sighing, he opened his fridge and looked through it. "Hungry?" Not that he had much to offer. There was a bag of apples, two loaves of bread, and cheese and meat for sandwiches.

[thedreamthief]

"I know how a fucking ice pack works," Ronan snaps, but there isn't much heat in it, still all too aware of how often Adam's had to do this on his own.

He grabs the lone towel off the stove handle and wraps it around the bag, glancing briefly into Adam's mostly empty fridge in the process. "I'm good," he says and it's not really a lie, especially when he adds, "Could go for some pizza."

[incognoscibilis]

"For all you know, I've got the superior technique," Adam said, soft and mellow but obliquely acknowledging the life that had taught him all about applying ice and walking on injuries without making it look as if anything hurt.

Pizza. After weeks of sandwiches, that sounded amazing. "You got money to split? Could get a bacon avocado. Just don't tell Gansey we got one without him."

[thedreamthief]

Ronan acknowledges the first with only a glance. In this, he'll brook no argument. He presses the pack to the side of his jaw, flinching only out of surprise; he hadn't realized there was a bruise quite so deep til just now.

"I got money," he says, pulling the wallet out of his back pocket with his other hand and tossing it on the counter. It isn't much, but it should be enough to cover at least half a pizza. Resting back against the lip of the counter again, he eyes Adam a little more openly. Asks, "You really like it here? In this apartment, I mean."

[incognoscibilis]

Adam caught the flinch but didn't say anything about it. He just opened a cabinet and handed Ronan a small bottle of painkillers. He didn't ignore Ronan's question so much as deliberated on how honest he should be and filled the meditation by going through his phone to find a twenty-four hours pizza place.

"It's a place to live until we find a building to buy," he said, which was the truth. "I don't want to camp if I can help it. We did that when I was a kid. Only it wasn't camping. It was 'We Can't Pay The Electric Bill This Month and It's Cheaper To Live In The Dirt We Came From.'"

[thedreamthief]

"Better the dirt than the pits of hell," Ronan says, but there's no real heft behind the words. He's used to Adam talking about himself this way, used to rolling his eyes and moving on to other topics. Nothing he or anyone else ever says is going to change the way Adam sees himself and Ronan has a feeling that, even if Adam got the Ivy League education and the Wall Street job and started raking in dough left and right, he'd still see himself as some backwoods Virginia hick.

It doesn't matter what Ronan thinks of him. Though, Ronan doesn't wonder sometimes if Gansey's opinion makes a difference. He thinks it probably does.

"We've actually found it already," he says, shifting the subject as he moves the ice pack to his shoulder briefly. "It's just a matter of figuring out how to pay for it." He doesn't mention that he has an interview in three days, doesn't mention that he's actually fucking nervous about it. That's his secret for now, one of the few he has left anymore.

[incognoscibilis]

"You're too handsome for the pits of hell," Adam said, distracted enough with using his phone to order a pizza that he didn't stop himself until it was too late. Smart phones were dangerous. Clearing his throat, Adam held up his phone. "Pizza should be here soon. It's seventeen seventy-two."

He'd gotten an extra-large because he wasn't stupid. At least not about feeding Ronan.

"I'd like to see it. Did you go while I was at work?" He didn't know if Ronan had figured out that Adam was working at Peter's now too. So far, he'd only visited while Adam was at West's.

[thedreamthief]

It's an off-hand comment, and bizarrely casual. Ronan just stares for a moment, scrutinizing, but Adam has his head lowered, ordering their pizza. And then it's like nothing was said at all.

Probably a joke then. A bad one, but shit's been awkward all around; Ronan won't hold it against him.

"We can go this week if you want," he says. He doesn't have Adam's current work schedule memorized, just knows he's working both at the garage and a sporting good's store. "Unless Gansey drags you there first." Which is honestly much more likely. And probably better all around. Adam and Gansey have a shared past now, a stronger connection binding them with Ronan constantly staggering two steps behind. It makes him uncomfortable even if he isn't willing to completely let go.

[incognoscibilis]

"We should probably all go together." It was an offer, an act of solidarity. Adam accepted himself as one of the group and wanted to be part of them rather than just a hanger on, isolated unto himself. It was the problem with him wanting Blue and then Gansey wanting her. When those lines got crossed, it meant they got divided and he couldn't do that again.

"Pizza should be here in half an hour." Adam already knew that Ronan was going to occupy his couch (a dangerous part of his mind said he should offer his bed and Adam crushed it down). "Should I read your cards in the meantime?"

[thedreamthief]

"Cool, together then," Ronan says because that probably won't be too difficult to arrange. It's Adam's schedule they need to work around; the only other thing Ronan has is the interview and if it comes down between that and looking at the warehouse, he knows which one he'll choose.

He arches an eyebrow at Adam's question, then glances over into the other room where the cards have been carefully put away. His lips curl into a smirk. "What, think you can find Cabeswater in me?" he asks, but he's heading over to the couch already anyway. It doesn't look like much but the cushions are actually comfortable and Ronan eases into them, holding the pack to his shoulder. "Good luck, man."

[incognoscibilis]

"You're the Greywaren. Who knows what you bring with you," Adam said. He dropped into the seat next to Ronan, wondering if he should sit closer. Did he like Ronan back, really? Or was it just the simple satisfaction of being wanted? Or was it Cabeswater? Adam pushed the though aside for now.

To keep his hands busy, Adam began to shuffle the cards. "I like them, the meanings. I don't think they're telling me the future. But they help my head when it comes to the present."

[thedreamthief]

A Greywaren, Ronan thinks instinctively, but then stops himself. Adam knows more than he does, has lived through and seen things Ronan has only been told. What does it mean if he's the Greywaren? Does that change anything at all? Does it make him different than his father or Kavinsky?

Does he even want to find out?

Adam takes a seat on the couch and Ronan's skin prickles all too aware of how close they are, the limited amount of space between them. He keeps his focus on Adam's hands instead, frown deepening as he shuffles the deck. Finally, he glances up again.

"So you want to try to find meaning in me," he says, more of a question though it comes out sounding like a statement. "Fuck that, you already know me."

It's maybe the closest to a lie Ronan's ever gotten. He wonders about what Adam means though, about keeping his head. He wonders how much he's really missed in being stuck here, how much Adam's had to deal with that Ronan hasn't seen.

[incognoscibilis]

The first lie, which Adam had known years ago, was Ronan claiming to be straight. It was the only lie he knew Ronan ever to tell in the whole of their friendship and Adam didn't think that Ronan even knew it was a lie. Adam supposed he did know Ronan, but not as well as he thought he had.

"I know you as well as you know me," Adam said. And it was the truth, but Adam was mostly unknowable still. Except, maybe, to Ronan.

At random, Adam peeled two cards off the top of his deck and two from the bottom and laid them flat on the table, face down.

[thedreamthief]

Sometimes Ronan likes to tell himself he knows Adam better than Adam knows himself, but he doesn't think that's true. What is true is he knows Adam better than Adam thinks he does. Or wants him to.

It's surprising that Adam wants to know all that much about Ronan, though.

Ronan eyes the cards laid out one by one then arches an eyebrow. He knows how this is supposed to work, but that doesn't stop him from smirking. "Am I supposed to pick one?"

[incognoscibilis]

Adam shook his head and turned the cards over, one at a time. Death was the first card, reversed, then his own card, The Magician, also reversed. The third and fourth cards were upright, the Ace of Cups and the Two of Wands. "In reverse, Death can mean stagnation, being held back by fear. The Magician, reversed, is wasting talent and resources. Usually I get that one upright..." he said. Not necessarily because that was his future but because Cabeswater wanted him to know who he was now.

"The Ace of Cups is Blue's card, I guess. Her mom always told her it meant she had potential. The potential for change and good things. The Two of Wands is about initiative, starting out for a change."

He leaned back, letting the cards stare up at Ronan. "Make of that what you will."

[thedreamthief]

Ronan honestly has no idea what to make of any of it. He squints down at the cards, examining the artwork as he considers. Adam's words tug at the back of his mind: stagnation and fear, wasted talent and resources, initiative and change. He wonders if it means anything that he got Adam's card and Blue's, if the reading is trying to tell him that even if they've broken up, they're still a pair, destined.

Frowning, he pulls the ice pack away from his shoulder and looks back at Adam. "Aren't you supposed to figure out what it means? I thought that was the deal."

He's deflecting, maybe. But this was Adam's idea to begin with.

[incognoscibilis]

"I told you what the cards mean. Now you have to figure out what they mean for what's happening in your life," Adam said, shrugging. He thumbed the edge of the deck, the rifling sound filling up the quiet between them. "Right now, without Cabeswater or the line, they're just cards and symbols. You get to decide what they're symbolizing."

A knock sounded at the door and Adam got up to retrieve the pizza, leaving Ronan alone with the cards. Adam thought they were for Ronan, but he wondered if they were for him too. If he was doing something counter to his purpose as the Magician or if he was the one who was supposed to be taking advantage of the moment.

He didn't think he had the courage for that.

[thedreamthief]

Adam gets up for the pizza, leaving Ronan to puzzle over the cards. He feels like Adam wants him to find something in them, like he's asking for something and hoping Ronan will figure it out.

Maybe Ronan doesn't know Adam quite as well as he thought after all.

Well, no. He knows the Adam he left behind. This Adam is different. He's Cabeswater's Adam now, the eyes and hands, confident and sure. The magician, apparently.

"I think it means something that I got your card and Blue's," he finally says because he feels like he needs to say something. Adam's disappointment is always different from Gansey's, always less rewarding somehow. With Gansey, he feels like a child acting out, unconditional care always underlying the scolding. With Adam, he feels judged. Lacking. Constantly needing to prove himself.

He reaches for the Death card, picks it up to look at it more closely. "What does this one mean if it's not reversed?"

(frozen)

[incognoscibilis]

"Death doesn't actually mean that someone's going to die," he said, sitting back down. Their thighs touched and Adam made no mention of it. Reaching out, he took Death from Ronan's hands and wished he was brave enough, certain enough for something as simple as a brush of their fingers. Putting the card back on the table, Adam turned it upright. "When you turn it like this, it means change, transformation. Rebirth, more than actual death, really. I've always thought it was Gansey's card, since that first reading."

Adam took it and turned it upside down again, the way it had been dealt out. "Reversed it means the opposite. It means things aren't changing, but not in a good way. In a stagnant way. Like there's no energy."

If they were in Henrietta, he would wonder what Cabeswater meant by this with Ronan near. That if they didn't change what they were, then things would stagnate?

Adam thought it was wishful thinking.

"The Ace of Cups is Blue's card because it has potential. The way that she gives things more power. And the Magician is my card because...Cabeswater needs me to be that."

(frozen)

[thedreamthief]

It's the 'no energy' idea that grabs Ronan and starts to make sense. He remembers what Adam had told him before about Kavinsky and his party and draining Cabeswater. But there's no Cabeswater in Darrow, no energy for Ronan to draw from, leaving him stagnant and empty. He's still pulled things from his dreams but, with the exception of Verity, nothing all that substantial and certainly nothing very useful. Ever since Gansey and Adam showed up, he's constantly felt behind, struggling to make sense of what they've told him, struggling to prove himself, and failing at every step.

Ronan's gaze drops to the Ace of Cups and he pays particular attention to Adam's tone when he speaks of Blue, trying to decipher the feelings beneath, if there's still something still there. Not that it matters either way, of course, he reminds himself. Doesn't change a fucking thing.

He pulls away abruptly, reaching to grab a slice of pizza and sits back, careful to make sure they're not touching as he takes a large bite.

"Guess that makes Noah the Two of Wands," he says, his smile sardonic even through the huge bite of cheese, sauce, and bread. He's deflecting again, refusing to try to figure out Adam's fucking cards, refusing to acknowledge that he's stuck, useless and broke and unimportant, refusing to think about how they all have a card while he's just a monster, a snake.

"Think ghosts can change?" he snarls, still chewing. "Maybe he'll get a new wardrobe."

(frozen)

[incognoscibilis]

"I don't think Noah's really about bold, new action," Adam said. "I think the Two of Wands just came along for fun." He took a piece of pizza with his left hand and took the deck in his other. Turning it over so all the cards were face up, he spread them along the table in a fan until he found The Moon, sitting between the Hermit and the Two of Swords.

Withdrawing it, Adam laid the card flat in front of Ronan. "This one is your card, if I had to pick one," he said, running a finger along the edge of the angry, restless moon. "It's a card for vivid dreams and creativity. Unconscious thoughts and powers. Desires, I guess."

It was the closest he got to saying anything about Ronan's desires. "If you reverse it, though, it's deception and confusion. Depression." Like Ronan, Adam thought, on a dark day. It was the only kind of Ronan he'd known. Gansey said he'd been happier once, easygoing. Adam would have liked to have known that Ronan, a Ronan without pain.